Home, please.

I'm still here in Mississippi. Hot, humid with little bursts of wind. Walking to chapel was nice today. It was warm and the humidity sticks to your skin, making you damp but the cool breeze feels good. I practically took a bath in bug spray before going out. The smell of the bug spray reminds me of the time we spent in Mexico with my dad and grandma. Its a nostalgic scent. Then again, it seems like everything brings me nostalgia. I'm still dealing with home sickness but I feel a bit better. God gives me strength.

I've been here for a little over a month now. My projected grad date is June 6th. God, I hope it really is June 6th. Time is dragging...I want to get home. Classes are a bit stressful. My first week I was a mess. I passed my first test with a 90 so I was like PRAISE GOD. We're entering the second part of the material and I've heard from everyone and their mom that its the hardest part yet. I'm worried. If I fail, I get set back, If i get set back, that means the longer I have to wait to get home. I just want to get home. I chose San Diego as one of my preferred places to go to after this base. I hope I get stationed in San Diego. Its not home but its better than being thousands of miles away.

I feel like I'm expected to be an adult. Duh, its the military. It came as a shock to me. Not the fact that we're expected to be adults. The concept of it. I felt a part of me crying and whining "but I don't wanna." I don't. Why did I leave the comforts of home. I still feel like I'm so young and had a lot to learn. I just jumped out of the nest before I was even sure I could fly. My dad says it may not feel like it, but I made the right choice in leaving so young. He says I'm not wasting time and thats honorable. Forget honor. I want to be home. I feel like a big baby sometimes. I'm done turning and turning this situation in my head. I'm here, that's that. I'm gonna get through this part in my life; through school, through this home sickness.... Maybe in a couple of months I'll be reading this and I'll think "yep, it was worth it." I hope so. Is it worth it, "future me"? Please say yes. Tell me you're closer to home. Tell me you're ok. Because I feel like right now, I'm not.

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 43:5