Throwback

I wrote this 2 years ago; my Junior year of high school when I was interning at Girls Inc. My supervisor and good friend, Jenny asked me to write something for their blog and this is what I came up with :] 

Taken from: http://www.girlsinc-alameda.org/news/girls-blog/she-is-my-hero

A Mother's Day Thought: She is My Hero!

Submitted by Karla on Sunday, May 9, 2010

I feel the most secure when I am with my mom. I guess you could say she is my best friend. Without her, I would be an entirely different person. She has molded me to be the Karla that I am today. Every hug, every encouraging word, every scolding,  every minute of her life that she has dedicated to me, dwell deep in my heart and make my love and admiration only grow for her. My mom is my world, my “safe place”, my hero. I am awed by her perseverance and her character during the times where I was convinced that she would give up. Her faith increases my faith in the goodness of the world and sometimes that is all I need in order to be Strong, Smart, and Bold.  

It was not always like this though. My mom and I did not have a good relationship. She annoyed me and I frustrated her with my temper, and my stubbornness. It wasn’t really her that I resented, but issues from the past including the seemingly never ending cycle of my parents arguing and separating, our move to Washington without explanation, and my insecurity at school. The reason why I felt resentment was because I needed an apology from my parents. The rancor only grew in time and any little thing would make me explode and verbally lash out at people I did not intend to hurt. I felt like I could not understand my mom and, in turn, she did not understand me. We both gave up for a while and tried to avoid conflict by limiting our contact. Sure, we talked and went places but meaningful conversations were rare. My exterior affect towards these problems showed indifference and apathy while inside, I desperately wanted things to be peaceful and lovely. What could I do though? There was no point in talking because one thing led to another and before I knew it, I had hurt someone’s feelings. Our relationship was callous, ill-tempered and undesirable. 

Because of these stressors, at times I felt like I was unstable. One day my mom and I were doing well and the next, we could not so much as make eye contact. I remember wishing for a different mom. I broke my own heart when I wondered if she did the same thing….wish for a different daughter. It saddened me to think such ungrateful things but in my frustration, I did not know what to think. 

I am not able to recall the exact day where things dramatically changed. I am certain though, that it was my mom who took the first giant step to bettering our family. She left for a week on a retreat with my aunt.  I was convinced was a waste of time. Though I was being pessimistic, I secretly wished for change, any change at all to bring our family closer together. The day she came back, I received the biggest and most comforting hug that I had not felt in a while. She told me she loved me and, was sorry for everything that had happened in the past and asked for forgiveness. At that point, I forgave her but realized that I had not been seeking an apology.  Rather, I was seeking the reassurance of her love and some form of promise that things would get better. With those few words, a weight was lifted and I felt free to express my love to my mom. 

A couple months later, our family had what I guess you would call a relapse. I felt let down for a while. Other times I would have given up hope and gotten discouraged but I had gained a new faith that did not allow me to focus on failure but to know that sooner or later things would get better.

When I think about my mom, I think about all the trials she endured and will continue to endure. Between giving birth to me at 17 to not being accepted by my father’s family, she has not given up on me and my brothers. Everything that she has been through in order to build and fortify our family is truly amazing to me.  Though people have tried to bring her down and make her feel worthless, she still comes through.  A strong woman is what my mom is to me. Every time I feel weak, her comforting words instill in me a new strength. Never did I know the meaning of what it truly is to be Strong, Smart and Bold until I looked at my mother. I am blessed to have the best example at home and hope that other girls at Girls Inc are celebrating their female role models as well.  Happy Mother’s Day!